To be or not to be… That is the question. At least for me.

My husband and I know we want to have a second child, it’s a part of our plan. We want it to happen, we do. So why am I sitting here flipping through an US Weekly jiggling my leg and counting back how many glasses of wine I have had this week? Because I am currently watching an ept test out of the corner of my eye and wondering how this is where I am in life.

i love JL more than I knew would be possible and I want him to have a sibling. But he’s barely nine months and I’m not sure I’m ready to start this game over again. While many women have glorious pregnancies full of love and rainbows and joy, I did not. It wasn’t bad by any means, so don’t get me wrong, BUT one of my most favorite things to do while pregnant was come home from work and lay on my face and zonk out for hours to get some sleep. It was fantastic. And every time I visit a friend who has a toddler and I see their newborn I wonder how they managed it… You can’t sleep with a toddler climbing all over you. I smell their tiny newborns and feel their lightness in my arms and my body whispers, “maybe?”, and yet here I sit terrified this piece of plastic is going to tell me something I’m not ready for.

By that note, I wonder when I will be ready for it. Financially in Los Angeles? Probably right after pigs fly and the cow jumps over the moon. Physically? My Dr informed me at the 6 week postpartum check that i have a beautiful uterus and hips made for this (“geeee thank you?”). Is there some kind of buzzer that goes off and says “NOW! Strike while the iron is hot!!!”? Or does it just happen? How do you know?!?

By now, my 3 minutes are up- and I text my husband the results. For now I can remain the boozy mommy. And I realize that while I was feeling like it wasn’t possible at all this soon, there’s a little pang of sadness it didn’t say “Pregnant”. (Truly a small pang… Like 0.01%) So maybe it means it’s on the horizon and it’s coming… For now I’ll simply go sit back down with JL and enjoy him. And that is something I do well. But if you have any words of wisdom as to when you knew you were ready, I’m all ears!Allie